A Very Espada Christmas
by ichiro92
Summary: Aizen has decided to throw a massive Christmas Party in Hueco Mundo. The only problem is, the Espada need to get gifts for each other. T for some language.
1. Tis the Season to be Wait, What!

**Hey everybody! I'm back with my first real attempt at a humorous story called A Very Espada Christmas. It'll be a few chapters long, so please enjoy the hilarity that will ensue!**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**1: 'Tis the Season to be…Wait, What?!**

If one were to ask the Espada what Christmas was, they would most likely respond like so.

Starrk: You interrupted my nap for that?!

Barragan: It doesn't sound very regal.

Harribel: Wait, it's that—uh…

Ulquiorra: Sounds like a trash word to me.

Nnoitra: What the fuck is Christmas?!

Grimmjow: Do you really think I give a shit?

Zommari: It's a human holiday celebrating the birth of the Christian's Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Szayel: Can I experiment on it?

Aaronierro: If I can't eat it, I don't care.

Yammy: … (he's not the brightest at these kinds of things).

Aizen found this to be unacceptable.

So it's no wonder Aizen called in a special Espada meeting to enlighten them on the season. He called them in rather early and had a chipper expression on his face as they all sat down. Needless to say, their expressions weren't as joyful when they had to wake up at such an early hour.

"My dearest Espada, it has come to my attention that none of you truly know what Christmas is about."

His sentence was answered by an abnormal amount of coughing and shifting in chairs. Aizen took notice of this and asked, "Would any of you like to take a guess as to what it is?"

Once again, more coughing and shifting of chairs. Zommari, however, shot his hand up and moved around eagerly like an impatient elementary school kid who knows the answer to a question.

"Yes, Zommari."

"It's a holiday the religious Christian humans celebrate; it's the day Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, was born, Aizen-sama."

Aizen smiled even wider.

"Very good Zommari. However, we here at Hueco Mundo are nondenominational; that and the fact that I am the only Lord and Savior you will be worshipping, so we're leaving the religious aspect of this holiday out."

Most Espada were too tired to hear him say the "Lord and Savior" part.

Aizen clapped his hands together and continued, "Now, back when I was a Captain of that _deplorable_ Soul Society, we used to celebrate Christmas every year. It was a time of love, caroling, good will towards men, and of course, getting presents."

Most Espada weren't tired enough to ignore the fact that Aizen had said "love" and "good will towards men".

"Being the generous God that I am, I have decided that we shall replicate that feeling back here in Hueco Mundo. And although it doesn't snow in this desert, we shall do the best we can to put on the best Christmas Party ever!"

The Espada were silent at first, until Aizen dropped his happy-go-lucky face and replaced it with his narrowed glare and massive outpouring of reiatsu, forcing them to clap.

When the clapping subsided, Aizen's cheer resumed. "Now this is where you Espada come in. I have decided that in order to make the party better, you will all have Secret Santa's."

Aizen could tell by the lack of response they didn't know what "Santa" was. Sighing, he answered for them:

"Santa is the person that makes every kid on Earth whatever gifts they want and on Christmas night, he delivers them in his sleigh to every house in the world."

This time, Szayel raised his hand.

"I find it highly improbable that one man—in a sleigh no less—could go to every house in the world in one night. He would have to be a master at sonido to do such a thing."

"Well, he does Szayel, so do me a favor and don't question it."

Nnoitra raised his hand now.

Aizen was clearly getting annoyed now. "Yes Nnoitra?"

"So he just breaks into people's houses at night to give presents? That's fucked up! How do they know what he's really doing in there; he could poison their food or kill them in their sleep. Why are people okay with that?!"

"You know what," Aizen started, "I don't know why, Nnoitra. He just does and people accept it. Just leave it at that!"

Nnoitra slumped back in his seat and grumbled something under his breath.

Aizen sighed yet again as he put his palm to his face, shaking his head. "Anyways…in order to replicate what Santa does, we're having what we call a 'Secret Santa', where all of you get a secret person that you have to buy a gift for."

He produced a big red box with a circle cut in the top. "Now each of you come up here and put your hand in the box. You will pick one piece of paper with one of the Espada's name on it. Do not look at the paper until I tell you to. Let's start with you Starrk."

Starrk yawned, stretched, and lazily got up to put his hand in the box. He produced one piece of paper and sat back down. All the Espada then got up in order of their rank, picked up a piece of paper, and sat back down.

When all of the Espada got their paper, Aizen said, "Now look at your paper, but don't tell anyone whose name is written on it."

The Espada did as they were bidden as they all opened up their paper. Some groans could be heard, while some snickers could be heard as well. When the noise died down, Aizen continued.

"Now I need to set down some ground rules on what you can or cannot do. Rule number one: The gift must be bought; there will be no handmade gifts. Number two: All of you must also buy me a gift. Number 3: Espada ranked one through five must also buy Gin a gift, and Espada ranked six through ten must buy Tosen a gift. Number four: You will each be given $100; $25 must be spent on your fellow Espada, another $25 must be spent on either Gin or Tosen, and the remaining $50 must be spent on me. Do you understand?"

All of the Espada nodded.

"Very well," he finished, "The party will be in two days from now. You must all go to the human world within that time and purchase your gifts. Are there any questions?"

When no one raised their hands, Aizen bid them ado. "Go and think about what your fellow Espada like and spend your money wisely. Meeting dismissed."

All of the Espada clambered out of their seats to go back to their own personal chambers. Most were going back to sleep, while only about two were actually thinking about what to buy.

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What insanity will ensue as the Espada are released into the World of the Living to buy some gifts.

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	2. Arrested Wolves and Obnoxious Kings

Starrk and Barragan go off to try and procure some gifts for the Espada they're assigned to. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**2: Arrested Wolves and Obnoxious Kings**

Starrk sighed yet again as he and Lilynette clambered down the street of a crowded business district. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, the name on the piece of paper just wouldn't go away. Looking down at it yet again, he had to make sure the name was right. Unfortunately, it was still there, and continued to stare back at him, only saying:

**Tia Harribel**

Sighing yet again, Starrk closed the paper and pocketed it. "Why do I always have such luck?" he complained. "I get the Espada I know the least about to buy a gift for."

"Stop complaining!" Lilynette said, kicking the back of his legs, causing him to collapses slightly. "This could be a good chance to get closer to Harribel."

"I don't want to get closer to Harribel," Starrk retorted. "I just wanna be left alone. Is that too much to ask?"

"You know, for someone who used to complain about being lonely, you sure aren't very social."

Starrk pushed his annoying counterpart out of his mind as he pushed past the people on the busy street, thinking about what to get. Finally realizing what he had to resort to, he turned to Lilynette.

"What is it girls like Lilynette?"

"How should I know?!" she scoffed.

"Well you're a girl aren't you?"

"Yeah, but do I look like I enjoy girlish things?"

Damn, she had a point.

Realizing she was no help, Starrk listlessly looked at the windows of the shops. "Might as well buy Aizen and Gin's gift first," he sighed, turning into a toy store.

"What the hell are you going to find in a toy store?!" Lilynette said a little too loudly, attracting some attention to the people in the store.

"Well I thought Gin liked this sorta stuff," he replied, thumbing through the shelves of toys.

"Eh, he is weird like that."

That's when something caught Lilynette's eye.

She looked at the corner of the store and nearly squealed at the sight. She rushed over, forcing Starrk to drop what he was doing and follow her. "What is it?" he asked.

Lilynette was jumping up and down for joy and pointing to what she wanted. Starrk looked and saw that it was. Starrk was quite frankly surprised by the name of the item.

"Little Hellraiser's Mischief Kit…" he read. Then, he immediately knew why she wanted that, quickly responding with, "No, no thanks. You're not getting that."

"Ahhh, come on Starrk!" she pleaded. "It's what I really want! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!"

"No!" Starrk said firmly. "I don't want you having new ways to wake me up in the morning!"

"You're forcing me to have to do this," she said with a small smirk.

"Do what?"

"HELP! HELP!" Lilynette yelled very loudly. "THIS WEIRD GUY WITH LONG HAIR AND A BEARD IS TRYING TO ABDUCT ME! HELP! HELP!"

"Hey, wait…" Starrk started, but couldn't finish as he was quickly tackled by two burly store security guards.

"Trying to abduct a little kid, are you sicko?" a guard asked. "And in a toy store nonetheless? What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Look, it's not me, it's that girl; she's actually half of me and likes to do this kind of thing to annoy me. Lilynette, tell them you're lying."

She only responded by holding her tongue out and making weird faces.

Starrk tried to get up, but the other security guard yelled, "HE'S RESISTING ARREST, USE THE PEPPER SPRAY!"

"Pepper spray? What the hell is th—AGGHH!"

Starrk's question was answered as the sting of the pepper spray met his eyes, allowing the cops to handcuff him.

During all of the confusion, Lilynette stole the Mischief Kit and ran away.

* * *

"Out of my way peasants! Your King is coming through!"

People turned around to see the strangest sight they have ever seen. An old man with a moustache was sitting on a throne made of bones yelling at people, while six strangely dressed people were carrying the throne and walking forward.

"You heard the King!" Avirama Redder yelled while walking. "Move out of the way or I'll cut you in half!"

If the strange sight of an old burly man on a throne wasn't enough to make people move, the threat of a barely dressed man wearing a strange headpiece certainly was.

"I thought Aizen said we weren't supposed to cause a scene," Ggio Vega sighed. "This does seem a bit extravagant."

"Nonsense!" Barragan yelled from his throne above. "I am the King, and I can do whatever I want. Although…" he sighed, looking at the sheet of paper with the name on it, "buying a gift for that cretin Nnoitra does seem like a bit of a stretch."

Just looking at the name "Nnoitra Jiruga" sent Barragan into a bout of disgust and he immediately used his power to age the paper, sending it into dust. He then looked at the hundred dollar bill he had and continued to complain.

"And only giving $100 dollars to a King is just outrageous! Does Aizen not know who he's dealing with? Not to mention that I have to buy him and that creep Gin a gift as well; do they know who I'm dealing with? Men, who are they dealing with here?!"

"My lord, they are dealing with Your Majesty King Barragan Luisenbarn, Lord of Hueco Mundo!"

"Damn straight!"

After a few more blocks of walking, Barragan ordered his men to stop. They set down the throne and Barragan with Findor, Ggio, Avirama, Charolette, and Poww (Nirgge stood outside to guard the throne), walked into a small British shop known as the "King's Crown".

As soon as the party walked in, the store's manager greeted them in a British accent saying, "Welcome gents to the King's Crown, where we have everything from—"

He stopped when he immediately saw who he was dealing with. It looked like a short King, a masked man, a guy with a saber tooth tiger skull on his head, a guy who is barely wearing any clothes, a guy who's evidently a drag queen, and a massive man who barely fit into the store.

"Uh…" he started.

Barragan, however, grabbed him by his collar and asked, "Where do you keep your crowns?"

"What?"

"It's called the King's Crown, so where do you keep them?" he persisted.

"Well, you see sir, The King's Crown is just a name, we don't really have crowns to sell here, but we have a great supply of—OOPH!"  
Barragan had heard enough of the man as he threw him against a table. "Hmph," he started, "I guess it was too good to be true. Oh well, we might as well make the best of this and find some gifts here. Spread out and see what you can find men!"

"Yes sir!"

The six arrancar immediately spread out to find gifts. After a while, Barragan called all of his Fraccion back to see what they had found. "Let's start with you Poww."

Poww held out a small CD in his massive hand and said, "It's something called The Beatles. According to the back of the CD, they were the most popular band in the world."

"That's not going to work," Barragan said, apparently making Poww very upset. "What did you get Findor?"

Findor held up a pair of half-circular spectacles that are used for reading. "I saw these and I thought they'd be perfect for Gin. I mean, he can't really see right?"

"I think so," Barragan replied. "Good job Findor. What do you have Charolette?"

Charolette produced a small shirt that had the British Flag on it. "I think it's beautiful!" he gushed.

"I don't think that will fit on anyone we're shopping for," Barragan said.

"No silly," Charolette responded, "I got this for me! I think it's just perfect."

After several seconds, Barragan finally said, "Whatever, just take it."

Charolette squealed with joy and ran off to go put it on. "What do you have Avirama?"

Avirama showed him a case of broken tea cups. "I thought since, you know, Aizen enjoys tea and everything."

"How did they break?"

"I may have fallen on them a few times," he said, avoiding Barragan's gaze.

"I think it's perfect for that man," Barragan replied with joy, much to Avirama's surprise. "What better way to show spite to a man who's taken everything from you than to give them a broken gift? Good job Redder!"

Avirama glowed with pride while Barragan asked what Ggio had gotten. He showed him an ornately decorated box and opened it to show five or so small silver spoons. "For some reason," he said, "these really reminded me of Nnoitra."

"I could really care less what we get him," Barragan replied. "Alright men, let's go."

"Don't we have to pay for all of this?" Ggio asked.

"Don't be ridiculous," replied the Segunda Espada, "I'm not spending a cent on any of those peasants. I'm going to send the $100 Aizen gave me on myself! Now we must go and find a perfect gift for me. Come my Fraccion!"

"Yes your Majesty!" they replied as they all walked out, still leaving the store owner unconscious.

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Now it's Harribel and Ulquiorra's turn to go holiday shopping.

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	3. Confused Sharks and Addicted Bats

Harribel doesn't know what to do, and Ulquiorra experiences a new feeling for himself. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**3: Confused Sharks and Caffeine-Addicted Bats**

Harribel was stuck; she truly didn't know what to do.

Of all the people to buy a gift for, she had to do it for Aaroniero Arruruerie, quite possibly the weirdest arrancars ever created (with a close second by Dordonni).

She knew almost nothing about him and even less about what he enjoyed. It certainly didn't help that she brought along her three squabbling Fraccion, who were currently arguing over something petty and unnecessary.

The argument heated up and ended with Apache pulling Mila-Rose's hair and Sun-Sun having to physically pull them apart. Normally, Harribel would have stopped such behavior, but she was too caught up in wondering what to do to really care what they were doing.

Sighing, she ordered her Fraccion to take a break and sat down on a bench. While they were all sitting there, she decided to ask what they think she should do.

"So what do you think Aaroniero would enjoy for a gift?" she asked.

"Is that the guy with the tentacle hand?" Apache asked.

"I believe it is."

"So does that mean he's into that kinda stuff?" Apache asked next.

"What kinda stuff?" Mila-Rose was forced to reply with.

"You know…" she started. "Stuff with tentacles…"

All of them understood at that point which made Sun-Sun say, "Don't be ridiculous, just because his hand is made of tentacles, doesn't mean he enjoys…_those_ kind of things."

"Can we get back on track here?" Harribel chimed in. "I'm genuinely stuck here and need some advice."

"Well…he always wears that mask," Mila-Rose suggested. "Maybe we can get him a new one."

"Can you think of _any_ kind of other mask that is that shape?" Apache asked in a voice dripping with contempt.

"At least I'm trying!" Mila-Rose retorted, "Let's see you come up with a good idea!"

That was enough to send them into another argument in which they got physical with each other and wrestled on the ground, causing an unnecessary amount of attention.

"They're full of energy, aren't they?" asked a calm Sun-Sun who was sitting next to a very aggravated Harribel.

Eventually, Apache and Mila-Rose's fighting stopped as they got up and apologized to Harribel. Then they were back to square one wondering what they could possibly get such a weird guy like Aaroniero.

"Well, he's always in such dark areas right?" Apache asked.

"Yeah…"

"So why don't we get him something to light up his area; I mean, a dark area is always so gloomy, so why not?"

Harribel sighed and ran a hand through her hair before saying, "I guess that works. We'll find some kind of expensive light."

All three Fraccion were happy that they helped their master, but unfortunately, there was another order of business they had to confront.

"So what do we get Gin?"

That stopped them in their tracks. Immediately they were just as stumped as Harribel was. Gin was just as strange as Aaroniero, and just as mysterious as Ulquiorra. So what could they possibly get him?

For a good five minutes they just sat there thinking, no one throwing out a single idea to work with. After a while, Harribel puts her head up and suggests, "A shirt?"

The three stumped Fraccion were all too happy to agree, having no ideas themselves. "Then for Aizen?" she asked.

After a while, Sun-Sun suggests, "Hair gel?"

"Hair gel."

This once again was happily accepted by the arrancars as they got up to find the items they were searching for.

* * *

Ulquiorra Cifer walked down the street with the normal melancholic look on his face. He looked at the paper and saw he had to get a gift for Zommari Leroux, the one who worships Aizen more than he does. The Cuatro didn't really concern himself with what to get him, however; he was more concerned about what to get Aizen-sama.

Ulquiorra thought $50 wasn't enough to show his appreciation for just how great and full of awesome Aizen was. For once in his usually calm, cool, and collect life, he started to feel concerned.

He had spent nearly two hours in and out of stores in an attempt to find a gift so great Aizen would be forced to recognize how dedicated Ulquiorra really was. Unfortunately, after a bad run in at a store called Abercrombie and Fitch, he was thrown out indefinitely and forced to walk again.

"I didn't want your trash clothes anyway!" he yelled at the store before walking off in a defeated manner.

Feeling a bit tired, Ulquiorra decided to take a break in the next area he goes to. Just then, he looked up and saw a store by the name of Starbucks. Seeing that it was a sit-down area, Ulquiorra walked inside and took the nearest seat.

The waitress, a young human girl, walked up to him and asked him what he was ordering.

"I don't care," Ulquiorra replied in a stoic manner, "just bring me anything."

The waitress, noticing Ulquiorra's unusual clothing, sword, and hollow mask, asked, "That's a cool outfit. Are you cosplaying as someone or something?"

"Cosplay?" Ulquiorra asked, looking up.

"Never mind." With that, the girl sped off.

Ulquiorra spent the next few minutes looking out the window and wondering what to do for Aizen's gift. Then, the waitress came back with a steaming cup in her hand and put it down on Ulquiorra's table.

"What is this?" he asked.

"It's a Double Grande Latte," she replied with a smile. "It's one of our specialties."

Ulquiorra blinked twice. "Thanks I guess…"

"No problem," she cheerfully responded. "Call me if you need anything."

She left Ulquiorra alone with this strange concoction in front of him. "_It kind of reminds me of Aizen-sama's tea, but it probably tastes nothing like it._"

Ulquiorra then took the cup and put the steaming liquid to his lips, and with that, everything changed. As soon as he took his first sip, his mind exploded into a massive amount of joy.

"THIS IS GREAT!" he found himself yelling, attracting unwanted attention to himself.

"_This is delicious!_" he thought. "_It's nothing like that bland stuff Aizen-sama serves _(he later found himself apologizing for insulting Aizen in any way, shape, or form)."

Before he knew it, he had downed the entire cup. He couldn't let the awesomeness stop there, however; he needed more!

"Can I get anything else for yo—" the waitress started as she passed by his table.

"MORE! I WANT MORE OF WHAT YOU JUST GAVE ME!" he found himself yelling again.

"Uhh…sure…let me go get you some," said the newly-intimidated girl.

Ulquiorra found that he couldn't sit still as he waited. He was constantly moving or tapping his foot or drumming his fingers. Not soon enough, the waitress came back with another cup saying, "Here you go."

Ulquiorra used his fastest sonido to grab the cup off of the tray and take another sip. Before the waitress even left, he downed it and asked for another. The waitress, apparently getting freaked out now, just nodded her head and got away as fast as possible.

Soon enough another cup came by and another was downed. After ordering another, the caffeine really set in. The Cuatro Espada had to keep moving, and before he knew it, he was pacing back and forth around his seat.

When the next round came by, he downed it and asked for another, but that's where the waitress put her foot down.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to cut you off; this is clearly making you hyperactive."

"What?!" he said, still moving back and forth. "Don't be ridiculous. Come on, I just need one more cup, one more cup of that awesome liquid."

"Sorry sir," the waitress said as she started leaving. "You'll have to find your kick somewhere else; I'll be back with your check."

Ulquiorra couldn't stand for this; he had to find some new way to get his drink, lest his energy deplete. He found that with this new energy, he had a thousand ideas for awesome gifts for Aizen, so he couldn't lose it now.

Using his fertile mind, he soon came up with a plan. He eyed a young couple on the table adjacent to his, just sitting there and talking, apparently waiting for their drinks. He had to be patient and wait; then he could strike.

When a waiter showed up to the two with their own drinks, he used his fastest sonido to speed there, steal the drinks, and get back to his own table. The two he stole from just looked at each other with bewilderment as their drinks just disappeared out of the blue.

Ulquiorra smiled inwardly as he quickly drained both cups and scanned around for new people to steal from. He continued this cycle about four more times before the caffeine was too much and his memory blacked out.

He awoke in what appears to be several hours later (evidence by how it was light when he entered and now it was dark) in a massive daze. He lifted his head up from his table and looked around and saw everyone gone. He then looked up and saw his very aggravated waiter standing over him.

"Sir, I don't know if you're a drug addict or what, but you need to pay your bill and get the hell out of here."

"Uh…" Ulquiorra said, having a headache from the massive caffeine intake. "Okay…"

She showed him the bill and much to his surprise, it was $48.53.

"How is this possible?" he asked. "All I ordered were two drinks."

"That only cost you $7.50," she said, "but after a while, you started harassing the customers and even got in a fist-fight with one. He was okay and didn't press any charges, but we feel that this covers the damage from all of the tables, chairs, and essentially just tolerating your presence."

Great; Ulquiorra was out $50 and he hasn't bought anything yet. It was too late to go anywhere else too, so now he had to do something quick. He quickly scanned around and saw something on the counter. He quickly walked over, grabbed it, and walked back. He showed it to the waitress and asked:

"How much does this $50 Starbucks gift certificate cost?"

"Uhhh…$50," she said sarcastically.

"I guess I'll buy this too."

"Alright; your total is $98.53."

Ulquiorra handed her the $100 bill, took the card and stumbled out of the store. "_Next time I'll just stick to Aizen-sama's tea_," he thought. "_There aren't any annoying side-effects to those._"

Now he was stuck with $1.47 to get Zommari _and_ Gin a gift. Ulquiorra sighed as he knew he would think of something. Zommari was a guy of simple tastes, so he wouldn't want anything extravagant or expensive anyway.

As for Gin, well, he just plain didn't like him anyway.

* * *

So Ulquiorra's day ends in disaster, but maybe Nnoitra and Grimmjow's wont (albeit it's very unlikely).

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	4. Assaulting Mantis' and Fighting Panthers

Nnoitra finds an interesting person, and Grimmjow decides to go fighting instead of buying. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**4: Assaulting Mantis' and Fighting Panthers**

Nnoitra Jiruga tends to attract a lot of attention to himself.

Whether it's just his height, his mean disposition, the fact that he has a spoon coming out of his neck, or his giant unrealistic-looking zanpakuto are the reasons most people would think of.

They would be wrong.

What attracts attention to Nnoitra the most is the fact that he does stupid things in public.

Case in point, Nnoitra was walking in a crowded mall with Tesla…(does he have a last name?) at his side. As usual, he wasn't too happy that he had to buy a gift for Yammy Rialgo, so he decided to let his Fraccion know about it through profanity.

"What bullshit this is, making me go buy a gift for someone who's five ranks lower than me. Have they no shame? What's more, I gotta buy a gift for that fox-faced freak Gin."

Tesla, like usual, agreed with his master. "I agree Nnoitra-sama, but perhaps it's going to be easier than you think."

"Ah, I'll just buy that fat fuck Yammy some kind of food; that oughta keep him happy," Nnoitra said, kicking the air in front of him. "As for Gin, I guess I'll get him some kinda cheap earrings or something."

"Does Gin like earrings?" Tesla inquired.

"Who gives a fuck!"

"Very good, Nnoitra-sama."

It was then that they went down the escalator and into the main plaza area, and there where Nnoitra saw the thing that would make him more noticed than he already was. Down in the main plaza, there was a large area in the middle simply named "Santa's Workshop". There was a brown picket fence surrounding the area, but a main doorway that was lined up with little children.

Nnoitra's interest was piqued at this as he walked up to the end and asked one of the small children in the back of the line:

"What the fuck's going on here?"

The child, apparently unperturbed by Nnoitra's potty-mouth, just looked up at him and said happily, "It's Santa Clause! Santa is here!"

"Santa? You mean that guy Aizen was talking about?"

The kid, uninterested at this point, didn't answer and turned back towards the line. Nnoitra's interest, however, skyrocketed at this news; he turned towards Tesla.

"This is great, I finally get to see that guy myself."

"But why would you want to see Santa, Nnoitra-sama?"

"Are you fuckin' stupid or something?" he responded. "This guy is able to travel around the world in one night—one fucking night—and is able to sneak into everybody's house to give them Aizen knows what, and then just leaves."

"He must be a master at sonido to do such a thing," replied Tesla, apparently interested now.

"This Santa guy's gotta have some kind of secret technique to do be able to travel around the world and break into people's houses unnoticed, and I'm gonna find out how."

"Shall we wait in the line then?" asked Tesla.

"Fuck no!" was Nnoitra's only response.

With that, he started pushing through all of the people in the line. The mothers and fathers started to complain about the guy cutting, but then they saw how big Nnoitra was, and decided to keep quiet. Not before long, Nnoitra and Tesla were at the front of the line.

Santa had just finished talking to one of the kids and sent him away. "Next!" he said, but then froze in his seat when he saw the two arrancar come forward.

"Yo!" Nnoitra said with a large grin on his face.

"Uhh…you both look a little big to be children," said the clearly frightened Santa.

"Cut the shit!" a blunt Nnoitra replied. "I wanna know what the deal is Clause. Why do you go to everyone's house in one night and give them shit?"

"Why, it's because it's Christmas and—" he started, trying to sound professional.

Before he knew it, Nnoitra was in front of him and gripped him by his collar. "Bullshit! There's no way you'd do it out of the goodness of your heart or some shit. But moving on, _how_ are you able to do such a thing?"

"What?"

"With your pudgy exterior, I doubt you'd be able to use sonido at such a degree you'd be able to travel around the world."

"What the fuck's sonido?" Santa said, now dropping his façade of being a jolly man and turning into a very frightened man.

Nnoitra sighed as he let go of the man's collar and walked towards Tesla. "So we're gonna have to do it this way huh? That's fine by me; Tesla!"

"Yes sir!"

Before Santa knew it, Tesla was behind him, holding his sword to his throat. This was enough to make Santa loosen his bowels (which he did) before yelling, "HELP! HELP! SECURITY! THERE'S THESE TWO CRAZY GUYS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"Yelling won't get you out of this Clause!" Nnoitra said, getting closer. "Now tell me, how are you able to do such a feat?"  
Before Nnoitra could question anymore, three security guards arrived at the scene. They immediately drew their weapons and aimed at the two men. "Release Santa now, or we will fire on you!" one man said.

"Get the fuck outta here," was all Nnoitra responded with, turning towards them.

"Alright, take him down!"

All three men shot their weapons at Nnoitra. Unfortunately for them, all of the bullets just bounced off of Nnoitra's tough hierro. Sighing, Nnoitra turned around and said, "Tesla!"

"Yes sir," he responded, aiming his good eye at the men.

Before the security guards knew what happened, Tesla's bala hit them, knocking them all back. This was enough to cause Santa to faint as well.

"Shit, this guy's weak," Nnoitra said. "There's no way he could do all that in one night. I guess Aizen was lying to us after all. Oh well; whaddya say we go buy the damn gifts and get outta here Tesla?"

"Of course, Nnoitra-sama," Tesla said, sheathing his sword.

With that, they both used sonido to disappear, leaving behind a passed out Santa, three knocked-out guards, and a group of _very_ confused people.

* * *

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques wasn't interested in buying a gift for Starrk right now, not interested in the least; there's a reason why he used a garganta in Karakura Town.

He was after Ichigo Kurosaki.

Knowing the general area where he lived, Grimmjow sped over there and before he knew it, he saw the sign "Kurosaki Clinic" on the front. Smiling, he flew up to Ichigo's window and saw him on his bed reading Shonen Jump. He smiled and waited for Ichigo to notice him, but much to his chagrin, he didn't.

A small vein appearing on his forehead, he resorted to tapping lightly on Ichigo's window. This also surprisingly did nothing, as he continued reading. Grimmjow was confused at this until he saw that he had ear buds in his ears and was listening to his iPod. Sighing, Grimmjow took a deep breath.

"GET THE FUCK OUT HERE KUROSAKI!"

This seemed to get Ichigo's attention as he looked out his window and saw the Espada. "Oh, it's you Grimmjow," he said in a surprisingly calm manner.

" 'Oh, it's you'," Grimmjow repeated in anger. "Is that all you have to say to me? Get the fuck out here and fight me!"

"Do I have to?" Ichigo responded. "It is the weekend, after all."

"JUST GET OUT HERE!"

"Alright, alright," Ichigo said, turning into his shinigami self.

He hopped out the window and looked at Grimmjow with an unenthusiastic look on his face. "So we really have to do this?"

"Of course!" Grimmjow replied in his normally angry voice.

"Alright," he said unenthusiastically. "Bankai."

Grimmjow smiled as he felt his energy and drew his sword. "Let's do this Kurosaki!"

With that, they both rushed at each other and their swords clashed. Grimmjow quickly used sonido to get behind Ichigo and swung his sword at him in an attempt to decapitate him, but Ichigo was able to duck and quickly turn around swinging his word.

Grimmjow leapt back enough only to get a small scratch across his hollow hole, but he responded by charging a cero and firing it at him. Ichigo quickly dodged it and sped up to Grimmjow, swinging his sword. Grimmjow was able to parry the blade and jump back with a smile still present on his face.

"See, isn't this a rush?"

"Not really," Ichigo said scratching the back of his head. "I'd much rather be back at my house reading Jump."

"GET SERIOUS DAMMIT!" Grimmjow said in a pissed off mood. "I'M TRYING TO FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH!"

"Do we really have to do that?" he asked, looking down at the ground. "I mean Christmas is coming by soon and I don't really feel like—"

"Fuck Christmas!"  
After seeing how Ichigo was still not affected, he sighed and finally said, "Fine, if you're not willing to fight to the death, then I'm going to have to make you."

He brought his blade close to his hand, started raking across his sword and looked up with a grin.

"Grind, Pan—"

Before he could finish, Tosen appeared in front of him and stopped his release. "Tosen?" Grimmjow said, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing," replied the Ex-Captain. "Aizen-sama just wants you to go buy some gifts for our party, and you go and start fighting? This is not acceptable Grimmjow."

Grimmjow growled as he sheathed his sword.

"Now tell this man that you can no longer fight, and that you must go buy gifts for your fellow Espada."

Growling some more, Grimmjow looked up at a confused Ichigo and said, "I can't fight anymore, I have to…go buy gifts for my fellow Espada."

Ichigo blinked at this.

"Does that mean I can go now?"

"Yes, you are dismissed," Tosen said, not even looking at him.

Ichigo nodded and disappeared back into his house.

Tosen led Grimmjow away from Ichigo's house while saying to Grimmjow, "Now you're going to go and buy your assigned Espada a gift, as well as Aizen and myself; and when you're done, you're to head straight back to Las Noches. Do you understand?"

"Fuck you!" Grimmjow said, sweeping his hand towards him in an attempt to hurt him.

But Tosen was already gone.

* * *

Nnoitra and Grimmjow's day ends less than smoothly, but now it's Zommari and Szayel's turn.

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	5. Thieving Intoxication and Madness

Both Zommari and Szayel find interesting ways to acquire what they need. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**5: Thieving Intoxication and Madness**

Zommari Leroux had certain pep in his step today.

He found out he had to get a gift for Barragan Luisenbarn, but that didn't really bother him. He first had to decide what he would get for Aizen-sama; and it had to be something incredibly memorable. He liked to feel he was far more zealous than Ulquiorra, yet Aizen always has Ulquiorra do everything.

Why?

Zommari was far more useful (he liked to think) than Ulquiorra. He certainly was faster, he certainly was calmer, he certainly…liked to meditate more…okay that last one doesn't count but it still stands.

That's when this gift comes in. He had to get something no one else would get him. A one of a kind item so to speak. But what?

Before Zommari knew it, he was walking by a history museum. Deciding it might be fun, he decided to go in. He couldn't pay any of his money meant for his comrades, so he just used sonido to appear in without a ticket. Being the fastest Espada certainly had its advantages.

He found himself wandering around the monarch wing where he learned very interesting things about kings, queens, and their kingdoms. "_This is a lot like how Aizen-sama rules Las Noches_," Zommari thought as he continued walking.

That's when he saw what he was looking for.

It sat in the middle of the room with a singular light shining upon it. It was a golden crown sitting in a glass container with several shiny jewels adorning it. Zommari thought this was perfect for Aizen. He always thought he was lacking something around his head, and this was perfect for him.

He quickly ran over to the closest security guard and asked hastily, "How much does that crown over there cost?"

"What are you stupid?" the security guard asked. "That thing's a priceless artifact; it's not for sale."

"I'll give you $50 for it."

"Get outta here or I'll force you out."

Zommari slumped away as he thought about what he was going to do. He had his mind set on getting that item, for it was perfect for Aizen-sama, but if he couldn't pay for it, what could he do?

The only logical response seemed to be to steal it.

This thought, however, caused Zommari to stop for a second. Surely Aizen-sama had said something about stealing being wrong. He certainly didn't say killing people was wrong, so how come stealing wouldn't be exempt? Come to think of it, Aizen had never said a thing about stealing in his life.

This caused Zommari to be fine with the prospect of stealing. Now he needed to decide how to do it. After several seconds of just staring there blankly, he finally comes to a realization.

"_What am I thinking? I'm an Espada; these humans can't do anything to me even if they wanted to!_"

With that rational, he simply walked straight up to the display case, and destroyed it with one smash of his hand. This of course caused the alarm to go off, but it didn't bother Zommari. He simply grabbed the crown and took off.

Naturally, the security guards converged on him and aimed their guns at him, telling him to stop or they'll shoot. When he didn't comply, they opened fire, apparently hitting him, but then he disappeared into an afterimage.

He appeared behind them saying, "Sorry, but you can't hit me."

"This guy must be an Olympic runner or something!" one of the guards said while turning around, but Zommari was already gone.

The Septima Espada decided to lay low for a while as he stared at his prize. Aizen would certainly love him for this. Then Zommari felt another feeling. A feeling of exhilaration from stealing such an artifact. This one act seemed to turn Zommari into a kleptomaniac as he decided to steal the remaining gifts and keep the money for himself.

His picture would later appear on the news of a mysterious man who stole from a series of stores in one general area.

The man was thought to be an Olympic runner.

* * *

Szayel Aporro Granz analyzed every store he went by, in hopes of finding the right one.

He was assigned to get a gift for Grimmjow, but even Szayel knew that was a cinch to figure out what he wanted. All that fool cared about is battle and strength, so Szayel just stopped at a drug store and asked for something to make someone stronger. The shady looking owner told him to come to the back with him and he obliged.

He showed him a bottle that did not have a name on it. The owner told him they were something called steroids, and they were guaranteed to make someone stronger. This made Szayel happy as he payed for as much as he could for $25.

The owner told him not to tell anyone because for some reason, the authorities didn't like this particular drug, but Szayel didn't care so he just kept his mouth shut, happy to get something so easy.

Aizen was simple too; Szayel was sure anything tea related was sure to keep the man happy, so Szayel went into a toy store and bought what looked to be a "Disney Princess' Tea Set". It had the word tea on it, so Szayel made the purchase and was on his way.

The one thing that was truly stumping Szayel, however, was what to get Tosen. To Szayel, Tosen was far more secretive than Gin; he had no idea what he liked. He had gotten Grimmjow and Aizen's gifts in a matter of an hour, but he had nearly spent that much time wondering what he should get Tosen.

Aside from the whole hating Grimmjow thing, Szayel didn't know a thing about him. He knew he was blind and knew he loved justice, but that was about it. So many things ran through Szayel's mind as he was wondering what he could possibly get him.

He went into a bunch of different stores, but each of them turned out useless as they had nothing labeled blindness or justice on them. Szayel just got out of a store named "Wal-mart", and was mumbling, "If it's called the Supercenter, you'd think they'd have everything. False-advertising liars!"

While Szayel was mumbling more incoherent angry things, he bumped into a man wearing sunglasses walking his dog. Still somewhat steamed, Szayel responded like so.

"Watch where you're going you inferior-brained son of a…"

"Sorry," the man said. "Usually my dog is good at sensing people, but I guess you're kind of…different."

"I'm different alright," Szayel said. "And why are you relying on your dog when you could have easily seen me?"

"Why, because I couldn't have seen you."

"What?"

"I'm blind," the man said.

Szayel blinked. "So how come you can walk like a normal person and go around the city?"

"Why, that's because of my dog Blankey here," he said, patting his yellow lab affectionately.

"Your dog sees for you?"

"That's right," the man replied. "He was trained to be my own personal eyes. With him, I can do a lot of things I normally couldn't."

"And where would one acquire such a dog?"

"Well, you have to be legally blind to get a Seeing Eye Dog," he explained. "So not just anyone can get them."

"I'll give you $25 for him," Szayel flatly offered.

The man seemed slightly offended. "Don't be ridiculous. I could never put a price on my love for Blankey. Not to mention he's my only way of looking around."

Scowling, Szayel resorted to plan B.

"Look over there!" he said, pointing behind the man.

"You know I can't see right?" the man replied, not even bothering to look.

After a few seconds, Szayel just pushed the man on the floor (much to his protest), grabbed the dog by his leash, and started running. It didn't take long for the man to call for help and Szayel to realize he had to go.

He made a garganta and stepped through it, and tried to get the dog to follow. However, the dog didn't like the fact that he was just stolen (who would have guessed?) and stayed right where he was, growling at him.

"Come on you stupid mutt!" he said, pulling the leash harder, but the dog wouldn't budge.

"Fine, have it your way!"

Szayel then pulled out a syringe, stabbed the dog in the neck with it, injected the serum, which knocked the dog out, picked him up, and went through the garganta, disappearing from sight.

Szayel would soon learn, however, that it's tough work trying to take care of a dog, as all the dog did from then until the Christmas Party was run around and destroy his laboratory in some way.

* * *

The Septima and Octava learn that stealing is the answer, but how will Aaroniero and Yammy solve their problems?

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	6. You Know Gluttony's a Sin Right?

Aaroniero runs into someone unexpected when looking for his gifts. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**6: You Know Gluttony's a Sin Right?**

Aaroniero Arruruerie was hungry.

He walked in his (ir)regular manner with his back perfectly straight and his hands in the sleeves of his other hand. Needless to say, he attracted a lot of attention to himself, but he didn't care; he was hungry.

And to make things worse, he had to buy a gift for Ulquiorra Cifer, that stoic ass-kisser of Aizen's. Who knows what that guy likes; he just calls everything trash and walks away like that prepubescent emo kid at parties.

Aaroniero found his two heads getting more and more confused as to what to buy a guy that things trash is the greatest thing ever. The more and more he thought about it, the hungrier he got. Finally giving in, he walked into the closest restaurant with a big sign saying "All You Can Eat Buffet" on the front.

He walked in and saw something he was not expecting.

Yammy Rialgo was sitting at one of the tables surrounded by food and subsequently gorging himself on said food. Aaroniero found himself fascinated by this and used sonido to pass by the people in front and appear in the seat across from Yammy. He looked up from his food for a second and said, "Hey Arru…rara…"

"**It's** _Arruruerie_," he simply responded.

"Whatever."

It was then one of the waiters walked towards Aaroniero and said, "Excuse me sir, but you didn't pay, so I'm afraid you can't be—"

He was cut off as Aaroniero's hand found itself in the man's chest. Aaroniero didn't take his eyes off of Yammy while doing it, and when he realized what he had done, he simply said, "**Oops**," and kicked the dead man under the table.

All of the patrons were to busy eating to notice anyway.

"**So what** _are you_ **doing here**?" inquired the Noveno.

"Eating, what's it look like?" the Decima responded dully, still stuffing his face.

"**So you're** _all done_ **shopping** _then_?"

Yammy nodded.

"**Who'd you** _have to_ **buy a** _gift for_?"

"Szayel."

"**Whatcha** _get him_?"

Yammy reached under the table (past the dead man) and pulled out a box. Aaroniero grabbed it and took a look at it. "**Little Scientist's Experiment Kit**…" he said. He turned the box around and said, "Ages _7-13…You know he's way too old for this right_?"

Yammy shrugged as he continued eating.

"**So what** _did you_ **get Aizen and Tosen**?"

Yammy reached under the table again and pulled out two more items. He looked at the item he bought for Aizen and said, "**Star Wars: The Complete Saga**."  
He then looked at what he got Tosen and said, "_Kanye West's Greatest Hits CD_…**Do Aizen and Tosen** _like these kinds of things_?"

"Who cares?"

Aaroniero sighed as he sneakily grabbed a plate farthest away from Yammy and pulled it over to himself. Secretly, he slipped off his left glove, showing his sword hilt Glotoneria and began putting food inside of it's mouth.

"Is that how you always eat?" Yammy said, still not looking up.

Aaroniero flinched as he knew he was caught and replied, "**Yes**…"

Yammy didn't seem to care as he just continued eating.

"**I'm in a real bind myself**," Aaroniero explained. "_I got an idea of what to get Aizen and Tosen_, **but I can't quite figure out what to get Ulquiorra**. **Could you** _give me a_ny **ideas**?"

"What makes you think I know what he likes?"

Aaroniero was slightly confused. "**Well you** _hang out with him all the time_."

"So?"

"**So you should know what he fucking likes**!"

"He likes Aizen."

Aaroniero sighed as he put his hand on his face—uh, mask—and was quiet for a while. When he was done with his first dish, he stole another of Yammy's. After he finished that, he stood up and said, "**Well**, _thanks for nothing_ **I gue**—"

"Trash."

"**Huh**?"

"He likes trash," Yammy repeated, still not looking up from his food.

"**Don't be stupid**," Aaroniero replied. "_Just cause he likes the word_, **doesn't mean he likes actual trash**."

"I'm tellin' ya that's what he likes," was all the Espada replied with.

"**You really are** _a big sack of useless_, **you know that**?"

With that, Aaroniero exited the restaurant, still not talking to the people in front. He didn't go two steps before he was in front of an alleyway, and he thought about what Yammy had told him. Deciding he'd give it a shot, he walked down the alleyway into around the middle where there was an open dumpster.

There he encountered a rather strange homeless man wearing an orange beanie and having long unkempt black hair. He held out a Styrofoam cup and shook it at the Noveno.

"Change? Do you happen to have any change on you? I swear I'll only spend it on drugs and alcohol, instead of that addictive stuff like food and shelter. You know there are people who live their whole lives with food and shelter? Now that stuff's addicting!"

Aaroniero held up his hand and said, "**I'll give you** _$25 if you help me_ **pick out the best** _kind of trash here_."

"Trash?" the man asked. "And what's wrong with your voice? Are you high?"

Aaroniero gripped him by the collar and said menacingly (well, as menacingly as one can sound with such a high pitched voice), "**Listen here**, _I said trash_, **and I mean trash**. _Seeing as how_ **you're a homeless man**, _I think you'd know high quality_ **trash where you see it**, _so is it a deal_ **or not**?"

"Please don't kill me Mr. Masked Strange Voice Man," the homeless man pleaded. "I have so many more drugs and alcohol I need to consume before I die. Please!"

"**Is it** _a deal_ **or not**?"

After a second, the man smiled and responded, "Okay."

"**Good**!"

Aaroniero then picked the man up and threw him into the dumpster. He made a pitiful attempt at a scream and then there was some rustling. "It smells like cottage cheese in here!" he complained.

"**Shut** _up_ **and find the **_best quality garbage_ **in there**."

"Might I ask why you're doing such a thing Mr. Long Headed Man?"

"**None of your** _fucking business_; **that's why**!" responded a slightly-irritated Aaroniero.

"What a strange reason," said the homeless man, apparently not catching the Noveno's drift.

After a few minutes, the man held up an item and said, "Here we go. I found a Domino's Pizza Box; that's usually worth a lot. Can I go now?"

"**No**!" Aaroniero bluntly responded. "_Find more and I'll_** let you go**."

The man groaned and continued his work. Things went on like this for at least an hour, as Aaroniero got more and more annoyed by the homeless man's incessant rambling. Eventually the deed was done and Aaroniero paid the man $25 like he promised, and was glad to be rid of him.

Aaroniero sighed as he walked out of the alleyway with his new spoils and decided to go back into the restaurant to maybe get something to eat. When he walked in, he saw what he saw an hour ago, Yammy sitting there still eating food, as silent as can be.

"**He knows** _gluttony's a sin_, **right**?"

With that, he walked back out, still leaving the workers in front very confused.

* * *

So all of the shopping is done, now all that's left is to give them to everyone at the Christmas Party!

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


	7. The Best Christmas Party Ever

The Christmas Party is underway as everyone see's what they got. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions

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**7: The Best Christmas Party Ever**

The party was turning out good.

Well, as good as a party involving arguing arrancars can be. It was held inside Aizen's throne room and everyone was invited. There were Espada, Fraccion, numeros, the Exequias (well, only Rudobon), and even Iceringer and Demora showed up for a little bit.

Aizen sat upon his throne with a pleased look on his face. He was flanked on both sides by Gin, who was drinking what appeared to be eggnog from a flask, and Tosen, who just stood there motionless like always. The room itself was decorated with a lot of Christmas attire; Aizen even got the largest desert tree in Hueco Mundo and decorated it with all sorts of knick knacks.

A smile similar to that of Gin appeared on Aizen's face as he said to his companions, "What a wonderful party, don't you think?"

"It seems to be going well Captain," Gin replied. "I gotta say, I've never seen you so happy before."

"There's just something about Christmas that brings out the best in me," replied the arrancars ruler. "I don't know how to explain it, but it always puts me in a good mood."

All of the Espada put their gifts for Aizen, Gin, and Tosen down by his throne when they entered, but had to give their gifts to their own Espada at some point during the party.

Coyote Starrk sighed as he leaned against one of the pillars with some kind of drink in his hand. Lilynette suddenly leapt up behind him and kicked him in his leg. "Whatcha doin' Starrk?!"

"Get the hell away from me," he said, taking a sip of his drink.

"You're not still mad at me are you?" his other half inquired.

"You liked to the police and got me locked up in prison for a night. Do you know what that's like?"

"No," she responded brightly, "but at least I got what I wanted."

Starrk sighed as he put his drink down and picked up his gift. "Might as well give it to her now," he said, walking towards Harribel. "Get it over with."

She was standing there with her three Fraccion arguing over something. "Hey Tia," Starrk said. "I was your Secret Santa; here's your gift. Hope you like it."  
Harribel wordlessly took the gift and opened it. She removed the item to find that it was a case of different colored lipstick.

"I wasn't sure what you liked," Starrk admitted, a little embarrassed, "but I got you something that you can use anytime."

Harribel set her gift down and wordlessly undid the top part of her zipper to her outfit, showing Starrk her hollow mask covering her face. Starrk understood what this meant as he just looked down at the ground and slinked away wordlessly.

* * *

Zommari decided that now was his chance. Taking out the crown he had stolen, as he began to walk over to Aizen. He knew he was supposed to just drop it off, but that wouldn't stand out enough. He had to give it to him face-to-face.

It was then that he ran into Barragan, who immediately said, "Watch it ant; do you know who's walking he—"

He stopped when his eyes fell upon the crown Zommari was holding. "Who's that for?"

"Aizen-sama," Zommari replied. "What a coincidence though, I was supposed to give you a gift as well."

Rummaging through his pocket, he found the item and handed it to Barragan. "Here you go."

The Segunda opened it immediately, hoping it was something of equal value, but was highly disappointed when he saw it was just a bottle of cologne. Speechless, Barragan just kept looking down at his gift and looking back at the crown.

"Well, I have to give my gift to Aizen-sama now, goodbye."

"Wait!" Barragan said, nearly throwing himself upon the Septima.

"What?!"

"You should give me the crown, and Aizen the cologne," Barragan pleaded. "I mean, he probably doesn't want a crown anyway."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, as he quickly sped away.

Barragan wasn't going to leave it at that, as he quickly chased after him.

Zommari appeared in front of Aizen, startling him for a second, but he quickly regained his composure asking, "What is it my dear Zommari?"

Zommari kneeled down and lifted the crown up saying, "I saw this, and I couldn't help but think of you Aizen-sama. I hope you enjoy it."

Aizen picked up the crown, inspected it, and responded, "Not that I'm touched that you would get me such a thing Zommari, it's just…" He was trying to find the right words to say. "…I don't much care for the whole 'wearing crowns' thing. I hope you understand."

"But—" Zommari started to protest.

"Then give it to me boss!" Barragan said, cutting Zommari off. "I'll gladly take that crown if you don't want it."

"Very well, here you go Barragan, but if I do this, I don't want any more assassination attempts upon my life. Do you understand?"

"Of course Boss!" Barragan replied, taking the crown and running off. He was lying, he'd try to kill Aizen tonight, just like he always does.

"But Aizen-sama, I specifically got that gift for you and—" Zommari started again.

"That is enough, you are dismissed Zommari," Aizen said, waving his hand away.

Zommari was so upset he began to walk away. It was then, however, that he ran into Ulquiorra. He looked at him with his melancholic expression and said, "I was supposed to get you a gift, so…here you go."

He gave Zommari a packet of Five Gum, not even attempted to be wrapped in any way. Zommari was so distraught he didn't care, as he took the packet of gum and used his fasted sonido to go back into his quarters for he could listen to My Chemical Romance for the rest of the day.

* * *

Szayel Aporro Granz had to be careful. He had already given Grimmjow his gift (which he was quite happy with, yelling how he could now beat Kurosaki and began downing it immediately), and gave Aizen his "Disney Princess' Tea Set", but he had to find a way to get Tosen's gift to him. After giving his other gifts, he quickly went back to his laboratory to see Blankey, the dog he stole, eating Verona. He didn't much care about Verona dying; he could always make another one, but he was concerned about this dog running amok again in his laboratory.

Putting his palm to his face, Szayel snapped his fingers and his countless Fraccion appeared out of nowhere to restrain the dog. While he was being held down, Szayel injected him with a tranquilizer to knock him out.

While the dog was out, Szayel carefully put him in wrapping paper (don't worry, he left air holes), and before you knew it, the dog was ready to be transported.

Carrying the dog himself, he quickly snuck over to where Tosen's gifts were supposed to be, and gently lay the dog down for him. After that, he sped away so he wouldn't be noticed.

A little bit of time passed, and during that time, Blankey began to wake up from his tranquil slumber. Immediately sensing something wrong, the dog got up, ripped through it's wrapping enough, and immediately ran for Tosen.

The Ex-Captain was not expecting such a thing to happen, and as such, Blankey was able to sink his teeth into his leg quite easily. Tosen let out a roar of pain as this caught Aizen and Gin's attention (albeit it appeared Gin was a little tipsy from his "eggnog"). Tosen immediately shook the dog off and it began to run out of Aizen's throne room.

Aizen was about to say something, but Gin stopped him, saying, "Don't worry 'bout a thing Captain…I'll shhtop that animal."

He pulled out his zanpakuto and said, "Shoot to kill, Shinso!"

His sword immediately extended and started to fly towards the sprinting dog. Unfortunately, Gin's aim wasn't the best due to the eggnog mixed with sake he had been drinking, and thus, the sword flew off course, killing a hapless Numero instead of the animal. Because of Gin's failure, the dog was able to easily escape and was never seen again.

Meanwhile, Szayel saw this, and crept back into a dark corner.

* * *

"Here you go Starrk," Grimmjow said, holding out a crudely wrapped gift.

Starrk looked up from his corner. He had gotten there to hide away from Harribel, in case she came back, and eventually fell asleep in the fetal position.

"I was your Secret Santa," Grimmjow said. "So here you go."

Starrk took the gift and opened it, revealing a normal pillow with a white case. "Uhh…thanks…" he replied. Then after inspecting it, he said, "It looks used."

Only Starrk would be able to tell if a pillow looks used or not.

"That's 'cause after Tosen interrupted my fight, I went back a bit later to fight Kurosaki, but he was gone, so I broke into his room and stole his pillow."

Starrk would only realize the strangeness of this situation later, as he took the pillow, put it on the floor, and fell asleep using it.

* * *

Aaroniero had finally found the perfect moment to go up to Ulquiorra. Yammy had finally walked away from him (eating from his sack of dried meat that Nnoitra bought for him), and now the Cuatro was alone.

Aaroniero braced himself and walked up to Ulquiorra. "**I was** _supposed to _**give you a gift**," he held out his gift. "_Hope you like it_."

Ulquiorra took the gift and opened it rather swiftly, but what he saw truly made him speechless. He was staring at…_some _kind of statue made out of what seemed to be garbage. "What is it?"

Aaroniero pointed out the two crudely made figurines most prominent saying, "**It's you and me**, _holding hands and_ **running down a meadow**. _See, there's the little field_ **we're in**."

He pointed to where the figurines were grounded.

Ulquiorra didn't know whether he was supposed to be repulsed or thankful, but he reacted in the only way he knew how. "It's trash."

"**Yes**, _it's all made_ **of garbage**; _I even got a _**homeless man to** _help me_."

"No, I mean it's trash in a metaphorical sense, not in reality."

And just to make the message more clear, he charged a cero in his hand and utterly demolished the gift. Needless to say, Aaroniero was distraught. "**That took me** _five fucking hours_ **to make**!"

"What a waste of time," he simply responded.

Aaroniero responded the only way he knew how, with force. Letting out a roar, he leapt at Ulquiorra. Unfortunately, the Noveno forgot that he was five ranks below the Cuatro, and was dealt a swift punch to the gut, winding him and forcing him to clutch his stomach.

"Hmph, trash," Ulquiorra said, as he walked away.

Just then, Harribel appeared with her three Fraccion holding something behind her back. She tapped Aaroniero on the shoulder and he turned around to see her. "I was supposed to get you a gift," she explained, "and I think I got the perfect thing for you. I know that you're always in the dark, so I got you something to really help light up your place."

With that, she and her three Fraccion pulled out a disco ball and held it right in front of Aaroniero's face…uh, liquid tube. The large ball reflected the light to the nth degree, utterly blinding the Noveno. Giving a shriek of terror, he knocked the ball out of her hand, destroying it, and fled away from the party; he wasn't seen for the rest of the day.

"You think he'd be more grateful," Harribel sighed.

"You know him, he's a freak," was all Mila-Rose responded with.

* * *

Aizen, Tosen, and Gin were in the middle of opening their own presents from the Espada. Gin (who was now completely smashed), had gotten a fox plushy from Starrk, a pair of small British spectacles from Barragan, a gray t-shirt that said "I love Foxy ladies" with a picture of a scantily dressed fox-woman from Harribel, (which he immediately put on upon getting), an IOU note from Ulquiorra, and a pair of cheap earrings from Nnoitra, (which he also put on, thinking in his debilitative looked good on him).

Tosen had just opened a box with only a piece of paper in it. Tosen took out the paper, and, despite being blind, could tell there was some kind of threatening message on it. He showed it to Aizen and asked, "What is on this?"

"It appears to be a crudely drawn middle finger," Aizen replied, "saying 'Fuck you!' over and over again."

Tosen knew immediately that it was Grimmjow's.

He also got a pair of sunglasses from Zommari, nothing from Szayel (not knowing the dog was supposed to be his), one of those girly machines that braids hair from Aaroniero, and a CD title "Kanye West's Greatest Hits" from Yammy (which he detested immediately, not prone to liking rap music).

Aizen had just finished opening his ten presents and was a tad disappointed. Out of ten presents, the most notable gifts were hair gel and Star Wars: The Complete Saga (which Aizen was secretly a fan of). Everything else he got was tea related, whether it be a tea set, tea cups (broken ones at that), or a gift certificate to a place called "Starbucks".

Aizen tried not to let this put a damper on his Christmas spirit, however, as he turned towards Gin and Aizen with two gifts saying, "Merry Christmas!"

His two subordinates were surprised to say the least, as Tosen opened his, but couldn't tell immediately what it was.

"I know you love to cook," Aizen said with a smile, "so I got you 'Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals Cooking Book'."

Tosen was surprisingly overjoyed at this, smiling and saying, "Thank you Aizen-sama."

Gin opened his and despite his drunken state, could tell what it was. It was a pack of dried persimmons, which he immediately opened and started eating. "Thanksh Aizshen-shama…"

"You're very welcome," he said with a smile still wide on his face.

"We got you something too," Tosen said, as he elbowed Gin.

They both took out boxes and gave it to Aizen. "You shouldn't have," he said as he opened Tosen's.

His smile disappeared for a second when he saw that he had gotten a packet of "Earl Grey Tea", but it resumed for the sake of appearances as he said, "Thank you Tosen. I appreciate it."

"Open mine Aizshen," Gin said pointing to his box.

Aizen opened his and was rather perplexed when he took out a pair of square glasses. Not saying anything, Gin decided to explain. "They're glasshes Captain, seeing as how yoursh got deshtroyed when we left Shoul Shoshiety. I thought you'd need a new pair."

"Gin, I've never needed glasses," Aizen said. "I destroyed them myself because I no longer needed them."

"Then why would you wear them for sho long in Shoul Shoshiety?"

"Because the glasses did a good job of hiding my menacing features," replied the Traitor. "Other than that, I didn't need them at all."

"Whatever," Gin said, taking another drink from his flask and walking away.

Aizen shook off what just happened and turned back around to address the people below him. "My fellow arrancars," he started with. "Christmas only comes once a year, and I thought it was necessary to allow you all to experience it before some of you die horrible painful deaths at the hands of the Gotei 13. So it is for these reasons that…they're not even listening are they?" he asked turning towards Tosen.

"No, they aren't."

Aizen sighed as he looked down and saw no one was paying attention. Starrk was off sleeping in the corner, Barragan was staring at his new crown, Harribel was trying to stop her fighting (and possibly drunk) Fraccion, Ulquiorra was off trying to find some kind of caffeine (he got hooked pretty quickly), Nnoitra was busy staring at the spoons Barragan gave him and trying to wonder their purpose, Grimmjow was downing the steroids Szayel gave him, Zommari was gone, Szayel was on the floor tinkering with his children's chemistry set, Aaroniero was gone, and Yammy was too busy eating everything in sight.

Aizen sighed, threw up his hands and said, "Screw it, just have a Merry Christmas!"

"And a Happy Holidays," Tosen added in, trying to be nondemonational.

Meanwhile, Gin was passed out in the corner drunk with a half-opened pack of dried persimmons.

* * *

**And that's all Folks! Hope you enjoyed "A Very Espada Christmas"! ****I would like to wish a Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Holidays for anyone that would get offended at just the mentioning of Christmas**

**Until Next Time!**

**REVIEW PLEASE! REVIEWS ARE MY HAPPINESS! =D**


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